The Academic Snob

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and my life changed dramatically. I internalized criticism for much of my life (actually, even up until a few minutes ago). I believed I was solely responsible for others’ thoughts about me and the person I try to be. Growing up, my sister used to playfully refer to me as “dodo-head,” which I considered was a factual statement about my personhood. I often thought, “She’s my older sister; she would know more about the world than me and wouldn’t try to bully me or minimize my character, right?”

Wrong.

Needless to say, this ushered in a continuous wave of shame and self-loathing. Not surprisingly, this also led to mastering the art of “masking” and mirroring others to appear normal (whatever that is).

You see, dear reader, the trouble with neurodivergence is that the world considers your deficits to be an indication of your personality. For a long time after learning about my “otherness,” I tried to advocate, fight, and be the loudest voice, calling for others to listen, seek to understand, and ultimately, grow with me.

Crickets.

Oftentimes, when I met someone I admired, I would try to embody their “energy” and “vibe” forever changing myself to be a cooler, more tolerable person. One such example was a former Department Chair, who told me she could be an “academic snob” occasionally. She knew she was knowledgeable, well-spoken, and a brilliant educator, but her leadership was shotty at best– regardless of her academic insight. This is part where I would casually jest, “She’s a Virgo,” to my astro-intermediates, but fundamentally, she knew herself– the good, the knowledgeable, and the arrogant. I’m a Cancer, so instead of trying to figure out how to become a more formidable scholar, I simply cried and shielded myself from ever letting her see me in a compromising manner. Who knows what being vulnerable will summon from a self-proclaimed snob? Am I right?

Wrong again.

I stifled myself out of fear. Fear that my impulsivity would say something completely “off” or that my energetic nature would solicit eye rolls, fake smiles, and/or looks someone gives when they pity you but are “trying to be nice.” I know those gestures and how that feels all too well; and so, this little crab retreated to her shell, her safe space, and refused to use her voice and advocate for her thoughts until she was accepted into a doctoral program.

Full disclosure: I still take things personally, but I can feel myself letting go of the fear of being intelligent or academic. No, I cannot remember titles, authors, and data verbatim, nor do I have the ability to understand what I’m reading without taking copious marginal notes. And when I’m understimulated, it’s agonizing bringing myself to read the teeny font on these PDFs of ground-breaking research in teaching and learning. However, I understand I have limited executive functioning skills, that my chemistry is a special cocktail of bubbly, basic, and aloof.

But I try. I used what I’ve learned about myself to carry on. And I’m still standing (#EltonJohn). I am not quite an academic snob, but I am very much a Vulnerability Vibe Queen in my own right.

Astrology, anyone?

How does this relate to the stars and personality? It doesn’t, but I needed the vent session. However, since we’re here, I’ll make a connection for the culture.

Intermediate and well-versed stargazers, please feel free to chime into the conversation, but here’s a quick run-down of each zodiac sign, their ruling planet, and their immediate symbol.

For me, the symbols help consider the element that drives a sign’s notable persona; for instance, a crab symbolizes Cancerians; as per my experience discussed above, I value safety and security, specifically my home (my shell). I don’t necessarily crave control; I’m pretty fluid and easy-going, but mess with me/ hurt my feelings, and you WILL get the claws. Now, let’s double down on this further:

Sun Sign: Cancer (Crab)

Mars: Leo (Lion)

Remember that one unit in middle school about Greek mythology? Remember when we learned that the Romans changed the names of the Greek gods? Remember how those gods are planets? Remember the Disney movie Hercules? If not, there’s always Google and YouTube to get caught up. In any case, think about the planet and then add the personality of the zodiac sign's symbol. From there, you’ve got a reasonably accurate overview of someone’s planetary placements.

Back to my Sun and Mars: hurt my feelings, and you’ll get the claws, mauled, and torn to smithereens. Mars is my red planet– think of passion, aggression, intensity, and the God of War. Add the embodiment of a lion… and we have a not-so-conscious crab on our hands. In fact, under duress, given the option to fight, flight, or freeze, I pounce.

BUT, I’m mostly a teddy bear, as are many Cancerians. We’re like the Baby Spice and Sailor Moon of the Zodiac. We’re the teenagers of the astrological calendar, but again, we are mostly loveable, deeply emotional/ sensitive, and highly intuitive.

On that note, please visit our learn page. We’ve added a few resources for you to learn more about astrology, healing, and your sense of self. If you have any questions, feel free to drop a comment!